Stay Gold.

The mess of my mind, in the rawest of forms.
Nectar for the gods, and sugar for the sinners.

maybe if i wasn’t so hungry all the time, i might be skinnier! i just want to lose like 5 pounds. maybe 10. hawwwt and healthyyyy.

  • Him: you must have the intangibles.
  • Me: I have no idea what that is, so I couldn't tell you.
  • Him: Its just the things that you can't put your finger on but they are there.
  • Me: I like it
  • Him: apparently I do too
Me Monday!

Me Monday!

A letter to a friend.

I’ve been super busy, I hope your travels/vacation were wonderful!
I’m just finishing packing; tomorrow I leave for a four day canoe trip with the Leadership Training Course (LTC) that I’m a part of; pretty much, I’m training to become an outdoor excursion leader; it’s pretty fantastic, and I’m super excited/nervous! On Saturday, my dad and I ran the SB International Half Marathon; we ran together this time and still broke 2 hours! It was lovely to see him, and so I snuck home and surprised my mother as well; she cried of course, but I do miss her, so it was a wonderful weekend at home (I didn’t have classes on veterans day). I also surprised Naudy and got to hang out with her for a little bit; that was also lovely. My dad had asked me on the drive back home if I really talked to anyone from Guajome; and the only people I could think of were Naudy primarily, and Jason (occasionally). And I realized that they were my two best friends come the end of senior year, and the two bigger connections that I would like to maintain.
Speaking of Jason, he wrote me (HE wrote me) haha, which I take as progress, and that he may finally be okay, with being friends. Or something. Since then we’ve chatted, I mean we talked before, it was just on my terms, and he still was horrible at replying…
I’m also doing Health and Wellness still; I’m getting trained in HEAL (Healthy Eating and Living) and I hope to apply (and be accepted) to be an intern at Health and Wellness next quarter! I’m very passionate about health and wellbeing, happiness and such, and I want to promote it as much as possible, because of my history.
And speaking of that, I’m doing wondrous. The other evening at dinner I was talking to my roommate, and I saw this one girl, who I’ve had my eye on; i’ve recognized some bad habits, and she is very very thin, and something inside me stirred. I had to think for a minute about why I didn’t like her so much, or was so bothered by her. And I think, for a split second, I was jealous, of her state, and that control. But then thinking about it, I was disgusted about that thought, and immediately stomped it out. But that realization was important; accepting it, and then defeating it. Because I can do so many things, like run, and play, and be social, because I am strong and well. So why would I care about being like her? (those were my thoughts, no rhetorical questions here).
I am also not working; I quit Portola to work at the Co-Op, who eventuallly did not hire me because I couldn’t work holidays, and they didn’t realize that. Ah well. I’m using the ‘free’ time to my advantage; more study time! My chemistry i improving (A C on a quiz to a B on my last one!) and I’ve also been able to connect with a lot more people ( i feel). I have some really good guy friends on the 5th floor, whom I love to hang out with, and Ben, here on my floor, is probably my best guy friend. I’ve gotten closer and spent more time with Laura, and things with Kristina are still well; the only complaint I have is how she talks to her distant boyfriend (yes they’re still together) ALL the time. But that is out of my control.
I think that’s probably it for now. I’ll see you on the seventeenth, but until then, would also love to hear from you! Sorry this kind of turned into a novel…
Have a wonderful Thursday, November, and time until I see you!

Much love,

Nena <3 


don’t look at me with those lips, or whisper soft obscenities into my skin

when all you want to do

is slowly seduce me onto your




make-out number one, BJ 5th floor

thought I looked cute in one picture, in one dress, only to realize I’m fatter than I look, ew can we not, ew ew ew ew, i love myself, i think i’m grand, i am beautiful to my own eyes but how distorted can those opinions be <

Listening to Somebody That I Used to Know, and realizing that it it perfectly describing now. You cut me off. And I guess, I don’t need you now, because you are just somebody that I fucking used to know.

You asked me to dance and pulled me into you close. A little rough but if it’s not rough it isn’t fun, right? We danced and talked and talked and dance. I wanted nothing more than to believe that it was something that I could enjoy, count on and repeat. But you proved me wrong, and every night, no matter what is said in between the shadows of the sun and moon, I know I will never be anything that you want.

I’m sorry that I didn’t give us a chance. I hear others talk about what they did, that they didn’t want the distance just to be the excuse for them to break up. And I made that the reason. I didn’t give it a shot, and I admit I was scared. I miss you so much right now, and I just really want to talk to you, to know that you still care, that you still love me, with any inkling of your being. Yet I can’t take it back, because you are still not here and I am still not yours. I’m sorry, so sorry, will you ever please forgive me?

for future reference, JTH likes head scratches, neck kisses and back rubs, claims they are his weakness. Woops, shouldn’t have told me.